What do dieters really mean?

What do Dieters really mean?

Today’s blog post is purely a bit of fun based on a recent article on the Guardian Website by Polly Vernon and India Knight about the difference between things that dieters say and what they really mean.

First of all let’s look at the kind of things the more rounded amongst us might say and what they really mean:

I am weak with hunger

This actually means ‘I feel very slightly peckish’. It can also mean ‘I am bored’, ‘I am sad’ or ‘I am happy’ – which is to say it means, ‘the fridge is my friend’. It isn’t.

The thing is, I don’t actually look that fat

This means you have not looked in a full-length mirror for some time, and are a dab hand at avoiding your reflection in shop windows.

My size is a sign of my joie de vivre

This one is actually true up to a point – I’d rather be fat again than become a neurotic food bore, and I do think that flesh is sexier than bones. However: this may be true of a well-proportioned size 16, but there is nothing sexy or life-loving about having thighs that rub together, or giant bingo wings.

You can get nice clothes in large sizes nowadays

Again, up to a point. I mean, Boden goes up to a size 20. Personally, I’d rather not look like the lone freak Sloane who ate all the pies.

My husband/boyfriend loves me just as I am

Listen – just because he doesn’t actually retch as you sink like a bollard onto the mattress doesn’t mean he wouldn’t prefer to get his arms round your waist.

This is all so shallow. It’s about what’s on the inside

It’s not shallow – it really matters. Losing large amounts of weight can change your life. Besides, the insides aren’t looking so pretty when you’re carrying around the equivalent of half another person in excess weight.

We live in a tyrannical society when it comes to women and their looks

I agree. It’s very wrong. I’m not suggesting we all shrink to nothing. I despise body fascism and I have no interest in being a size 2. All I’m saying is, if you’re over a size 16, unhappy about it, unable to shop in normal stores, and bewildered as to where you go from here, there’s something you can do about it. I did. And if I did, so can anyone.

But slimming is not exclusively the preserve of the overweight, even slimmer people struggle just to get by without adding further calories.Here are the sort of things they might say and what they really mean:

I just plain forgot to eat lunch today!

You’re mad if you believe that. Mad. No one who isn’t a) heartbroken or b) in the throes of a nervous breakdown, forgets to eat an entire meal. But, by surfing my hunger pangs with clever use of fragments of oatcake, and distracting my taste buds with vast amounts of Diet Coke, I just about managed to scrape by without lunch today.

You don’t think I’m too thin, do you?

Please say yes! Please say yes!

I have a very fast metabolism

I metabolise at the same rate as everyone else; but I mainline black coffee so I’m pretty much speeding all the time.

I don’t miss carbs

I miss everything about carbs! Everything! I miss white bread and the multiple forms in which potato comes (but especially roast). I miss crisps and pies and scones and sponge cake and fusili and sometimes – quite a lot, actually – I dream about rice.

I never diet

I never eat.

Beth Ditto’s so cool

Beth Ditto’s so fat

I eat whatever I like

It’s just that I’ve retrained my palate to ‘like’ anything low fat, high GI, and carb-lite. And actually, sometimes, in restaurants, I’ll order dishes I don’t especially like, because I know I’ll eat them slowly, and probably won’t finish them. I do at least get drunk very quickly, so I’m not a complete loss socially. (I don’t think.)

I’m completely stuffed!

The more psychotic edge has been taken off my hunger, because I’ve eaten a whole bit of sashimi and a Jaffa Cake. But completely stuffed? Ha! Not since the summer of 2002.

I wish I could be bigger. I’d love to feel all curvy, sexy and womanly

Ah ha ha ha ha haaa!

I am perfectly well-adjusted about food

I am bonkers.

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